the sea

artist/band: The Civil Wars
telly on: on everything Josh Hutcherson
soundtrack: Summer House - Gold Motel
flick: Breakfast at Tiffany's (1961)
book: Star Girl - Jerry Spinelli

"The fool looks at a finger that points to the sky."

- Amelie

You know I love you, don't be a fool.

hullo stranger

Kira de Ocampo. Singer-Songwriter. Creative Writing student in UP Diliman. I am basically a grandma inside a 21-year-old body.

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5.22.2007 @ 7:55:00 PM
a way somehow
the doldrama ? reason uknown.
the dance ? misery business - paramore
the periwinkle sky ? i told you. it's unknown!

i watched the tyra banks show a couple of days ago, and they featured these women who wished to turn back time and change all the bad things, and bad events in their lives, and do it again one more time, the rectified way, so that they won't commit the same mistake and suffer the consequences they're actually encountering now.

kinda like "redoing" they lives.

i've yet experienced that one too. maybe more than once. maybe more than twice.

i've yet wished to turn back the time and "redo" my life.

take back everything i've said. everything i've done. everything that i've believed in. and everything that i've thrown away.

and maybe, perhaps, if it were real, i may not be so drenched in this pool of tears and mishaps.

how i wish i've just listened. and have just shut my mouth. and have done the right thing. and have loved the right person. and have believed in the right promises.

i wish i've just waited. and waited some more.

i wish i've known this would happen.

i wish i've never let him go.

i wish i don't fall too easily.

i wish i have trusted myself and my feelings.

even though i was too afraid, i could have just. couldn't i?

then i wouldn't have to feel this way.

or talk this way.

or write this way.

oh well... life's like that.

things that fly by will soon fly away if you don't grip it tight.

mystery is: will i find a way out in this bottomless pit somehow??

answer: unkown.

safe sailing,

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5.18.2007 @ 9:41:00 AM
our existence has no trace
it's been 8 days already.

and i still dont know what to say.

what to write about.

because i don't know how to feel right now.

let's just laugh it off, shall we?


twinkle the friggin's stars,
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5.11.2007 @ 1:29:00 PM
still. breathing.
the doldrama ? weird as friggin' ever.
the dance ? patterns and how they change the visible world - daphne loves derby
the lexis ? i really don't know right now. period.
the periwinkle sky ? diving deep. deep. deep.

have you ever woken up early in the morning and felt so weird you can hardly breathe? and the next thing you knew, you were wishing that you were still dreaming?

that happened to me. just this morning, i woke up feeling so weird. and the next thing i knew, i was wishing that i'm still dreaming.

still... breathing.

everything felt so awkward... i really don't know why. i really don't know how. i guess things like these really happen when you're searching for patterns and how they change the visible world. i guess there's nothing left to see.

i wish i'm still in deep slumber...

still... dreaming.

but it just doesn't seem right.
there's no reason why rain always falls on my head.
it just doesn't seem right...

at all.

count the stars,

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5.10.2007 @ 2:07:00 PM
i'm not your star. i'm not a star.
the doldroms ? uhm... pretty weird.
the dance ? thanks for the memories - fall out boy
the lexis ? "let the good times roll..."
the periwinkle sky ? counting the stars. with a star.

i was looking through my archives in my former blog, and guess what i found. a letter. to a heartbreaker. who still doesn't know he broke hers. pretty weird huh? this entry was from two years ago... yes, same guy from those years, and i couldn't help but wonder how miserable i would make my life be.

i must admit, it's really difficult remembering to forget him ever since he said goodbye to me. (NOTE: now i'm not talking about that half-pig, half-chicken). i've loved him. i've longed for him. i've missed him. and i've needed him. i still do anyway.

why don't you go check it out?

Dear Anonymous,

I still wish I was your star. So you could gaze at me when you feel all alone. So you could stare at me and know me, and how I feel. So I could cheer you up when everything's fading. But I can never be your star. I could never be the one you'll look at night, you'll wish upon, or wish to hold tight. I'm not your star. And I know that.

So I wished to be one of your satellites. But it was still the same. I could never replace your star, because she's already melting your heart, crashing your world, but somehow she still pleases you. She's your star. And I know that. She's your brilliant star. And when she gleams at you, I know that you feel like the blissful guy in the whole twilight. I wish she doesn't exist. I wish everything's a lie. I wish she's a lie. I wish she'll just burn you and your letters, so you can feel this hurt you're giving me. But still, after all these wishful thinking, a trigger fired me that I can never be your star. Not even the dimmed one. Not even the fading one.

And I'm dying. I'm dying because you never saw and you'll never see how hard it is to accept that I'm not your star.

What you didn't know is that you are my star. And you shine better than any other star. And when you smile, I know that I, looking through my drenched eyes, can see the most beautiful star ever lived. You were my star. You ARE my star. You will always be my star.

And I love this star. And I'll never let this star go. But I have to, for he has another star. So here I'll say goodbye.

Goodbye for now... I may never see you shining again, but I'd still look out at night and I'll always remember that you will never fade in my heart. Never.

Still Anonymous.

reading it, i realized how idiosyncratic i was. then again... i still am.

oh, well... LONG LIVE MISERY!!

swing the stars,

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5.09.2007 @ 7:07:00 PM
four days since cinco de mayo
the doldroms ? i'll chalk it up to broken hearts
the dance ? decorating for cinco de mayo - kenotia
the lexis ? "...where do you go when your eyes are closed?"
the periwinkle sky ? heartbreak catastrophes *insert slashed heart here*

this song, in some ways, has affected me deeply. i guess it aids me much as i slowly find a way out of this drought. but i do know that this circumstance has a purpose for me. then again, if destiny permits, i would want him to know that he's not worth that lost.

and this song tells it all.

read it. and maybe someday, when someone steals your heart and stabs you to death, you'll see why he doesn't deserve a single pint of you at all. and everything that you are. in everyway.

I can't find a way out and the clocks are broken, leaking time.
One more second, I may die
'Cuz my wounds are open bleeding life.

You're a problem, I'll never solve.
How do I say it and let it go?

You never told me just what you wanted,
I'm only guessing you're wanting me.
I never said this is what I wanted,
A love that's shaking and all onesided.

So tell me why you have kept me here,
Empty and lifeless, afraid to leave this.
Should I stay and pretend to smile?
There's nothing for me, I need to go.

Where do you go when your eyes are closed?
Why do you waste it all for show?
Am I there when your eyes are closed?
Am I wasting it all for show?
Am I wrong? Is this wrong?
Is it a lie? You always lie.

Look at you, already gone..
But expecting me here waiting for you
when you're feeling lonely.

And I will never know why I let myself be broken.
But when this rip becomes a tear,
I 'll have lost the will for hoping.
If i stay I risk losing a part of me that i once loved.
And you're not worth that loss,
I'll chalk it up to broken hearts.
If I'm strong and I dig myself out, I'll live.

I can't find a way out and the clocks are broken, leaking time.
One more second, I may die
'Cuz my wounds are open bleeding life.
I'm not ready to give my life.

as you go, and as you sleep, remember these last words from someone who cared about you. who loved you. and who did everything for you. you're just so stupid to forget.

here lies you.
i've yet worn my black dress.
slash. slash like you do.
may you rest in pieces.
PS: i hate you.

no longer yours,

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5.07.2007 @ 7:16:00 PM
reasons, few have i to go back again
the doldroms ? i feel free!!^^
the dance ? this side - nickel creek
the lexis ? "i need... CHANGE!"
the periwinkle sky ? that there's no place to hide.

hullo. i'm back. for yet again.

i looked back at my life a few weeks ago, everything just flashed right my eyes. and i realized that all the things that happened to me... everything... mean something.

and i'm too scared to look back. i don't want to. so i found a solution to this poignant disposition of mine.

to get rid, if not rid, just slowly forget, of all the memories that passed me by, i shall leave everything behind. all the letters must be burned. all alibis must be flamed. all pictures must be deleted. everything.

including my blog. which is now, as announced, my FORMER blog.

i've been keeping that blog for three years now. and i've been attached to it since. yes. name on the wall will always be in my memories. right beside the part of my past.

so ladies and gents.
the new...
the better..
the re-edited blog of mine,

swing the stars,

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@ 7:12:00 PM
a bent-trip car drive
the doldrums ? uhm.. i dunno. today's a very mixed day for me. happy slightly desperate in a subtle melancholy kinda way.
the dance ? oo - updharmadown
the lexis ? "di mo lang alam..."
the periwinkle sky ? sam j. drohid

i've loved him for as long as i can remember. perhaps, in a way, i still have the exact same feelings when i am with him. the feeling of seemingly acquiring the butterflies when he looks at you straight in the eye. the feeling of taking hold of your breath when he's beside you. the feeling of impair and vast gloom everytime you just wish he knew, and that he feels the same way as you do. but you do know in fact he's incapable of that for certain anonymous reasons.

and i admit. i still do. love him.

i watched him stroll toward the car with a yellow shirt on that fit him perfectly. his hair was apparently striking, as if he just had it combed. his eyes were as eager, arriving diminutively late for a date. okay. so that's a little extreme. a meeting.

a guy friend had fun watching him wander off farther, not knowing we were inside the car. it was rather amusing how he called me up,for yet the second time, to inform me that he has arrived.

sighing, i jumped out of the car with my friend. it was a first that it was up to the three of us to make it happen. the music happen, to be exact.

we hopped inside the music room as soon as we pulled in the place. the session was indeed a productive one. usually, when we all get so confused, it gets cocky, which is the main reason why we were dawdling in adding up original materials to the band. but anyway. i filled in the bass, and even though we were only three, he said we sounded better. LOL. well, that's mutual. infact, even parallel.

it was cool. we were cool. it was fun. we had fun.

he kept making fun of me of how fragile i appear. as i have always been. i kept making fun of him of how tall he is. but of course. i do like him that way. i have this peculiar attachment for tall gorgeous guys. he liked the new song that i wrote, unknowingly that it was actually for him and no one else. he participated well in the arrangement. he even said it was great. it was a deep compliment for me. i felt great, too.

he tried impressing me in his astounding and astonishing means. and i seem cannot find what they all mean.and i cannot deny. he's amazing.

the session ended, and we hanged out by the streaming heat of the sun for a couple of minutes, and talked about heartbreak catastrophes and the likes. until my friend decided he should be going since he himself has a date of his own. the two of us just followed him anyway.
then he asked me how in the world am i going home alone, since my friend has to go already in a separate way. i told him i'll be doing fine commuting all by myself. he said no.
i said yes. he's so stubborn, and he asked me to hand him my mom's phone number. i said no. the guy's still as stubborn as ever, so he asked my friend. whom is also his friend. and he got what he wanted.

wrong dial.

haha. so, i soon gave in, handing him my phone. with triumph, he called my mom and told her to pick me up. i took the phone, and told her not to. he said no. so my mom just told him to take me home. i said i don't want to.

but he did.

we rode this fx taxi to a stop three-fourths away from home. the taxi only had two seats left. right at the back. where it's crowded a lot of times. especially with the two big people sitting beside us. and his guitar. he offered the fare ride home. although i did try to pay him back, he did not allow me to. he actually held my hand to tell me i should not. twice. i felt the tingles in my spine rush.

i unattentively stared into space for a couple of minutes, and he asked me if i was alright. i told him yeah. but i wasn't. i wanted him to believe that. he then tried taking pictures of me, i've always successfully shoved it off. he never got a good angle. LOL.

i felt as if that ride with him to tikling was indeed rather short and i wanted to take over the wheels, and drive away with him. but, as always. fantasy gets me. we stepped off. and heard a jeep conductor call out a way home.

he told me if i will be alright if he gives me the ride home now. i asked him where he will go. home, he said. and so i thanked him, and hopped on board to a typical jeepney ride. to my home. i thought he already left, but then again he peeked at the window, telling me to pull my shirt down because my darn hips are showing.

was he actually looking at it? LOL. now that's funny.

i waved him goodbye, smiling ever so secretly, my blood still rushing it's way up.

he left me restless.

he left me speechless.

he left me breathless.

he left me feeling that exact same feeling i had.

two years ago.

safe sailing,

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@ 7:11:00 PM
starving to be safe
the doldrums ? uncertain
the dance ? midnight highway - daphne loves derby
the lexis ? " could have left sincerely yours."

today is here. here is today.
and what is today?
today is here.

i counted a few stars in the sky last night, trying to search for the east one. but i could not seem to find it. in my hopeless desperation, i sank in great grief, attempting to, for yet again, remember to forget.

i woke up the following day, (which is... today.) and then it hit me that i have not at all practiced my violin piece. sigh. so much for this poignant disposition. i guess that i just cannot focus myself in it, perhaps due to the fact that i feel profoundly slashed in this drought. i still haven't.

dead beat, i then realised that i have momentarily forgotten about the jamming with my bandmates tomorrow. i guess it's the only way to get my mind refocused anyway, so i await the day. besides, they have the ability of making me laugh.

anyway. i guess i'm just a very moody person that i want to say more. but i just can't. and that's the way it is.

today is here. here is today.
and what is today?
today is here.
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@ 7:07:00 PM
the marionette drama
the doldrums ? i'm a part of the batch of tears i shed every once in a while. life's too blurry. haha!
the dance ? nasaan ka - pupil
the lexis ? mahahanap din kita.
the periwinkle sky ? the twenty-eighth day of april in 2005. exactly that two years ago..

time.. just... liberately passes by. every single day. every single hour. every single minute. and every single second... just seem to.. vanish. and here. comes. may.

nah... too dramatic. let's try this one, shall we?

TIME! just! liberately passes by! every! single! day! every single hour! every single minute! and every single second! just seem to! VANISHHHH!!! and here! comes MAY!!

hmm... too.. disturbing.

time? just? liberately passes by? every single day? every single hour? every single minute? and every single second? just seem to? VANISH? and here? comes may???????

too much uncertain! let's try that cliche for yet again.

time just passes by. every single day, every single hour, every single minute, and every single second just seem to vanish. and here comes may.

very true indeed!!
i can hardly catch my breath. everything's too dramatic. i can hardly catch my breath.

Twinkle the friggin' stars,

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